Recently Cadbury have patented a new slogan which is “Welcome to Joyville.” Joyville apparently is the Disneyfied version of Shitsville. Everything there is absolutely wonderful. Oh gosh, yes. Let me tell you, that is true. It is a never-ending holiday. In Joyville the sun never sets. The roses bloom in unison. Water tastes like cocktails but nobody ever gets drunk. Fantastic!
Shitsville on the other hand is the last place on earth that anyone wants to be. This makes it the perfect place for people such as I who detest human company. I have decorated the whole town to my very individual tastes, namely in shades of Barbie pink and aqua-mint green. There is no colour more beautiful or disgusting than pink; it is the colour of the womb, flushed lips, spring flowers, raw meat, spliced birds that have been massacred by gorgeous fluffy cats, albino’s eyes, broken veins scattered across alcoholic noses and Pepto-Bismol, which one takes for upset stomachs. Coating the interior of one’s home in pepto pink may indeed have the same soothing, gas retarding properties as the original medicine, where soda and alkalizers would not work. Likewise aqua-mint has pleasing connotations of dental clinics and chewing gum; I’m not sure if the colour actually exists in nature or if it’s some miracle synthetic concoction like Benzedrine for which we must thank the Modern Age. In any case it sets off the stonework and wood panelling in Shitsville Ranch wonderfully.