Texas diary

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For the first week or so I stuck to the Texas tourist traps: I had a guide book from with all of the Groupon coupons torn out and a little stop-motion cartoon in stick figures drawn in the bottom corner. Everywhere in Texas is the home of the famous something – designated by a sign twenty foot high – the Friendly Carpet Cod, the Distinguished Cave Owl, the Laudable Ridges, a Balancing Rock or Bugtussle – actually famous for being boring – Big Tex – a truly frightening thing – towers above the entrance to Texas State Fair in Dallas (four little sisters, in dresses all made from the same material, follow each other like ducks between his legs, while chip packets flitter across the gravel.) Twin fish leap over the entrance to Galveston, and a pair of little pigs delightedly share in their own oppression as they carry a plate of ribs, adding the frisson of cannibalism to the mouth-watering prospect of the six ways of they serve pork in Sugar Land (the most World Famous being the fact the Bar-B-Q can be Eat-In or Carry Out). The superlatives are bigger in Texas, and it seems to me that the acclaim of certain ‘world famous’ hamburger joints far exceeds their actual reputation outside of Texas. The guide took great pains to find a notable attraction or restaurant in every place:  Greenville has “The Blackest Land, The Whitest People”. ‘The Smithville area offers recreation such as shopping and sightseeing. You will enjoy exploring the local craft shops, or enjoy the relaxing view of the Colorado River from the city park, or enjoy touring a world class museum at the Central Texas Museum of Automotive History; your endless dining choices include enjoying Mexico Lindo, the Backdoor Café, and Zimmerhanzels Bar-B-Que’ — exactly like a junior high cafeteria in orange portables replete with stacks of Styrofoam cups, buckets of slaw covered in plastic wrap, dried out bits of cream cake, questionable pastries, and depressed cafeteria workers – the crowd were Smithville locals getting take-out, and after sampling the vittles the only distinction I could see was that the place was definitely worse for the amount of people who passed through it, stuck their gum under the tables and used the bathroom without washing their hands. I am at a loss as to why some things are considered ‘amusements’. Line dancing is far less amusing than pitiable. The cinemas in Texas show only films about star quarterbacks who save their small towns from terrorists concealed in the silo, and the movie tickets are twenty bucks a pop. The wax museum in Dallas has a religious tableaux and a chamber of horrors – the kids who wail in the dark get told to shut up and keep walking. There was an exhibition of Ancient Egyptian artifacts touring around the state, it was in Dallas when I got there, and on the way out I overheard a boy ask his papa how the mummies had died; the man replied, “For not believin’ in Jesus, son.”

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One thought on “Texas diary

  1. Pingback: In Conclusion, TX | missshitsville

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