Since there is no rule that says every day on facebook has to be an inspirational quote wankfest, and to combat the tides of creepy upworthy shit, I have compiled a list of good solid Shitsville advice to guide you through this awful life. Bookmark it. Print it out and stick it on your wall. Thank me later.
1. Technically a lifeline is also enough rope to hang yourself with.
2. What most people think of as pessimism is in my case a kind of inspired prescience for being able to see shit coming from the far off distance.
3. You too might turn to drink if your atrium became a nest of rat’s heads.
4. Never let them tell you that drink isn’t the answer.
5. Scotch is an unkind mistress.
6. People who post pictures of their food on facebook can fuck off.
7. You should abandon your acting pursuits. You are 28 now. Too old to dream.
8. Every jerk thinks he’s entitled to an opinion.
9. You can sit at home and not meet anyone; or you can go out and meet people, and provided you apply yourself to this form of masochism over a period of time you will meet more and more people, and in time you will have met so many people you may find yourself wishing that you had stuck at home alone by yourself after all.
10. The flow-on effect of the ‘everybody loves Santa’ thing is that old bearded fat guys who could be bikies or pedos for all anyone knows are automatically assumed to be jolly and kind.
11. It is safe to say that you can always judge a person by their shoes. Shoes never lie. Write this down.
12. You should really never underestimate the power that attaches to having fabulously skinny legs in white chaps.
13. Galliano is a turd: an ugly, anti-semitic dick of the highest order (like Cecil Beaton), who designs couture gowns for Disney princesses and Barbie dolls (also like Cecil Beaton, who is now mercifully dead). I would swap John Galliano for the re-animated corpse of Alexander McQueen in a smoker’s-quickened heartbeat.
14. The population is sustained by inbreeding.
15. While we do make exceptions to the rules in the case of medical conditions, ‘stupidity’ is not a medical condition, tho it is something unfortunate you have to live with.
16. “Sunshine brings out the worst in people. You can see their flaws quite clearly.”
17. They say that blood is thicker than water, but then again so is Scotch, and in my experience Scotch will quickly produce a more magnificent happiness and less enduring misery than any relation.
18. “That’s what Motherhood will do to you: give you an aversion to small children.”
19. “You won’t like it if the vegans take you. They’ll force you to walk around free-range in the sunlight and live in a utopian commune with scraggy chickens. You won’t be the biggest cock there. Demented roosters will crow in your ear all night. You’ll catch avian flu dicking one of the water fowls. And, worst of all, they’ll spend all of their time telling you how wonderful and beautiful you are, which is an insult coming from someone who’ll wear hessian pants and brown sandals. Well I mean it doesn’t mean a lot if you’re being praised by someone who has no discernment.”
20. If there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that it’s impossible to ever sit around feeling content for any given period of time before some arsehole with a briefcase appears on the horizon, approaches from a distance and comes to fuck it all up.
21. “They are labouring under a misapprehension… assuming that comedians are buoyant & happy people. When really it is no joke thinking up jokes all of the time & depressing too as I think you’ll agree looking around us now that there’s little here that could be considered amusing.”
22. To improve the collective gene pool, more folks oughter marry their cousins.
23. You have to wonder why these people worry so much about going to hell when they already live in Texas.
24. There is no colour more beautiful or disgusting than pink; it is the colour of the womb, flushed lips, spring flowers, raw meat, spliced birds that have been massacred by gorgeous fluffy cats, albino’s eyes, broken veins scattered across alcoholic noses and Pepto-Bismol.
25. Once he said to me, “Honey, you gotta try harder to be nicer to people you despise.” But I said, “If I were nicer, they wouldn’t know I despised them, then what incentive would they have to change?”
26. “Surely when two women come together, and one of them says, ‘How are you, sister?’ and the other one says, ‘Sister, I’m miserable,’ then the topic of men is going to come up at some point?”
27. He stood before the mirror every day (squinting through the grime) repeating “I must – I must be thinner. A new me. The best me I can be!” It was his motivating mantra. That day when he was thin, he said, would be the day when all of his other life’s achievements would pale in comparison. Every woman he passed on the street would be attracted to his long, lean figure, and come panting after him; men would doff their hats as a sign of respect for his ability to attract high-class crumpet. Clearly that is bullshit. Don’t bother.
28. You can only get hurt when you love something. If you don’t love anything, nothing can hurt you.