Stories

I have often been accused of talking shit and picking fights for no reason. Here are some stories that furnish the theory that I am in fact a kind, quiet and thoughtful soul merely doing my best to make my way through this awful world; alternatively, they could just be the proof that my critics were looking for. Either way.

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Brooksville

There was once this time when I went to some effort to stop an unscrupulous real-estate developer from blowing up the house of my old, old, old aunts and turning the land into one of those horrific plastic lawned, pastel-fronted, clone developments. If this doesn’t exactly sound like the most thrilling of tales, let me tell you that the man Brooks met an extremely unfortunate end. Also he wore an appalling polyester plaid suit which provided much amusement at the time. Read More

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The ongoing saga of Archie Shitsville

Anyone who knows my father Archie Shitsville will be aware he struggles at times with sobriety. Once there was this time my sweet papa was forced by circumstances to fake his own death. By chance he turned up on my doorstep looking like death warmed over in the middle of his own memorial and I was forced to go to some effort to a) restrain myself from killing him so that he actually stayed dead, and b) conceal his huge and unpleasantly odorous presence from Nancy Sinatra so she wouldn’t get so much of a shock that she couldn’t continue writing out my cheque. Read More

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The Infamous Frank Sinatra blacklist

I have some reason to believe that my cousin Francis is in fact the bastard son of Nancy Sinatra, although with all of the drugs Archie has taken I can really never be sure if what he says is the truth or some incredible fantasy. In any case when Nancy got knocked up like that, Frank Snr had some reason to suspect my father was the culprit, so he put him on the Infamous Frank Sinatra blacklist, which meant he could never get a job in show biz again. Read More

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I’m really very fond of Nancy

For legal reasons [pending the results of the missing persons inquest] I’m unable to post the full story here, however, to cut a long story short, and not to beat about the bush, etc, what happened was that Archie & Nancy hooked up and had a whirlwind romance full of passion to rival the great lovers of history, however briefly before inevitably Archie drove her away with his lack of personal hygiene. Unable to stand the sight of the fat sobbing sod any longer, I applied myself to the task of getting Nancy back. Read More

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